Playgrounds and other heart attack sites

Before we start, Avery had another good one last night. She was lying in bed with her head on my chest and I was starting to read a book and she says, "You didn't lick your finger!". It made absolutely no sense to me so I just carried on reading the book. When I finished she picked up another book and wanted to "read" it to me. She looks up at me and says, "See? You lick your finger first, THEN you turn the page and read the book!". She licked her right index finger opened the book and then turned the page with her left hand. Priceless...

Anyway, is it me or is going to the playground the absolute easiest hour of parenting in the history of parenting? You stand there while your kid runs around and goes on slides and plays in the sand. Perfect. I don't have to do any exercise and I get to watch them have a blast while I sip on a soda. It's not all fun and games though -- oh no -- don't let your senses be distracted by all the colourful ladders and twisting slides and intricate monkey bars.

Playgrounds are where the hearts of parents go to skip a beat, and eventually stop all together, leaving the child to run for the nearest pay phone to call 9-1-1 as their mommy or daddy lies twitching in the sand next to a sand shovel and some 2 year old who's now screaming hysterically because you fell on his castle.

Yes indeed, playgrounds are sadistic inventions brought to you by the makers of pace makers, glycerin and other heart medication.

Exhibit A: The ladder



Hazzards:

• Falling backwards and breaking your neck
• Falling forwards and smashing your teeth (I've done that)
• The dreaded "split" (worse for boys - I've done that too)

Exhibit B: The funny looking climbing thing

Hazzards:

• Falling backwards and breaking your neck
• Falling forwards and breaking your nose
• The dreaded "split" (variation)

Exhibit C: The monkey bar(s)



Hazzards:

• Falling down and breaking your neck
• Losing a shoe
  

Exhibit D: The slides



Hazzards:

• Falling down and breaking your neck
• Falling of the end and breaking your leg
• Going head first and smashing your teeth
• Ramming into someone at the bottom
• Getting rammed at the bottom by someone
• Slipping while running up and breaking your nose

Finally, the single most terrifying element of the evil playground - and coincidently the most loved part of the outing for my daughter...

Exhibit E: The SIDEWAYS ladder



Hazzards:

• Falling forwards and breaking your neck
• Falling backwards and breaking your neck
• The dreaded "split"
• The fall on to the lower bar and smashing your teeth
• The fall with the arm/leg getting stuck and breaking said arm/leg
• Landing on someone when you fall
• Having someone fall and land on you

I'm telling you, if watching your kid do the sideways ladder doesn't give you heart palpitations I don't know what will. Now, if you'll excuse me I have to go buy one of those portable defibrillators, Avery wants to go to the park again tonight.

Ch ch ch chan-ges

Well you may have noticed that there's no more list. I am sad to say that Pequito (my mute parrot) has run away with that slut budgie from across the street. Until such time as I can get into Pequito's file cabinet (those darn keys are so small - very hard to pick the lock) we'll have to find something else to do. Not sure how this will affect blog traffic, but I'm not sure I care either. I know I've got a few blogger friends out there that will come back regardless of their status on The List.

In keeping with my recent theme of showing off my daughter Avery here's a couple more treasures:

We went to see Madagascar yesterday afternoon since Avery and Jodi were well enough to leave the house for a couple hours. Avery really wanted a taco for dinner and the theatre happened to have a Taco Cat Bell so it seemed like a good thing to do. Without spoiling the movie let's just say that at one point the lion goes into a makeshift cave to sulk. Avery looked up and Jodi and I and said, "Lion is going for a time out". You see, the lion was misbehaving and couldn't control himself so he had to go sit by himself to calm down. Of course! Now if only we could get Avery to actually implement those rules for herself...

We have had Avery in swim lessons since she was 3 months old so she's no stranger the pool. She's also no stranger to nudity - she is my daughter after all. So one day we're in the changeroom at the pool and it's one of those family change rooms, so there's moms with sons and dads with daughters and a bunch of stalls to change in. So I'm getting changed and Avery points to my thing and says, "What's that?". I ignored her. So she says again with more force now, "What's THAT?". So I lean in close and whisper, "That's daddy's penis". What happened next? You guessed it. She yelled at the top of her lungs, "DADDY HAS A PENIS. I NO HAVE PEANUTS, I HAVE A BUHGINA. DADDY HAS A PENIS!". Well needless to say all the moms in the other stalls were laughing their asses off. Thank God Avery hasn't yet learned about "shrinkage".

Having a Daughter...Priceless

So my kid is smart. Not genius or anything, but really smart. I heard about this kid who was three and could count by threes (3, 6, 9, 12, ....) - now that's just crazy! No, my kid will be 3 on June 14th and can't count by threes, but she is pretty damn smart.

On the way home from the doctor today (she has an ear infection) we turned out of the parking lot and she says to me, "Daddy, what street is this?". I say, "It's March Road". "March?", she says, "Where does your birthday live"?

You see, my birthday is in March. Jodi's is in August and Avery's is in June. If you ask avery how old she is, she will hold up two fingers (pinky and index - sign of the devil style) and say, "I'm two! I'll be three in June (holds up 3 fingers - index, middle, ring). Daddy is in March and mommy is in August".

So, when I told her that we were on March Road, the first thing she thought was, "Hey, this is March road. Daddy's birthday is in March. Daddy's birthday must live here!". Genius? You tell me. I just thought it was pretty damn hilarious. It only took me 5 minutes to figure out what the hell she was talking about!

Skip ahead to a few minutes ago. Avery is in the tub and she leans over sideways and puts her hair in the water. She looks up at me and says, "My hair needs water so it will grow, just like the flowers. See? It's growing"!

At any rate, I'm completely impressed at this point. Of course she's our only child so I have absolutely no reference point, but I'm pretty certain she's already smarter than me.

You can see tons more of Avery HERE.

...you probably think this song is about you.

Here's a picture of me at my daughter's swimming lesson on Monday.



Yes, that's Avery drowning as I smile for the camera. I could quite possibly be the single worst father ever to attend a child's swimming class.

On a side note, here's another picture of Avery chasing a ball. Does anyone think that the ball looks "fake"? No really, it looks like I Photoshoped it in. Strange. No?



So, there you go. Pequito is on vacation. I think he's actually flown off with that slut budgie across the street.

The new List:

1. Jessica Rabbit - Still on top. Man is she ever HOT. Great... uh teeth too :-)
2. AMG - Like the new picture. LOVE the new post.
3. Jennifer W.K. - Still going strong. New party pics are amazing!
4. Kristi - New job. She sent me a really nice email the other day.
5. Heather - No new posts in a while? Exams?!? Bah.
6. NYPinTA - Movin' on up! Keep commenting babe.
7. Webmiztres - Two newcomers have the Webmiztres up a couple spots
8. Shari - Welcome!!!
9. Sandra - Welcome!!!

After the first ever DOUBLE BUMP from The List the people on the outside looking in are:

1. Meggan
2. Carrie
3. Jo-Anne
4. Leah
5. Sandra
6. Real-Jo
7. Lindsey
8. Penny
9. Laurie
10. Helen
11. Sassy
12. Bry
13. NJ
14. The Kraken

Having a great time. Please send money.

The other day I made reference in one of my comments to my daughter having the same love for shoes as her mother. In case you missed it:

Someone better bid on my toast... baby needs a new pair of shoes. If she's anything like her mother she still needs 147 more pairs and that money has to come from somewhere!

That quote was in reference to a piece of controversial toast I'm selling on ebay. I know, I know, I'm a big blasphemous loser, but we've already determined I'm going to hell so I figure I've got nothing to lose.

At any rate, I woke up this morning and was preparing something for my daughter to eat and one of her shows ended (I think it was Arthur. One of the better ones for her to watch, I think). Well because kids attention spans are about 30 seconds long they fill the time with other little creative shows to carry them over to the next episode (in this case we were waiting for George Shrinks to come on).

Well on TVO (Television Ontario - sort of like Canadian PBS for the province of Ontario) has this filler spot called "Twinkle Toes". It's all about dancing and body movement and so forth. The opening for the show has a large number of pink and blue shoes of various styles moving back and forth across the screen as the show title is written out in some scripted font.

So Avery is across the room when this show comes on and she RUNS to the television and when all the shoes start moving around she hugs the TV! I'm not kidding!!! She hugged the damn television!

Some day I will take photos of all the shoes in my house. You'll see, it's complete madness.

So in honour of all the beautiful women everywhere who love shoes, here is The List:

We went to the zoo and saw some of Pequito's friends.

Keepin' it simple today. You wanna know more, post comments or send me an email!

1. Jessica Rabbit.
2. AMG.
3. Meggan.
4. Jennifer W.K.
5. Heather.
6. Kristi.
7. Webmiztris.
8. NYPinTA.
9. Carrie.

And of course we can't forget the cut list:

1. Jo-Anne
2. Leah
3. Sandra
4. Real-Jo
5. Shari
6. Lindsey
7. Penny
8. Laurie
9. Helen
10. Sassy
11. Bry
12. NJ
13. The Kraken

I'm Never Going to Amount to Anything...

OK, so I've got this writing gig on the side. My job is pretty laid back and on my lunch hour I can surf the 'net and work on my other stuff. There's this new home TV video game outfit in Toronto and they are putting together a couple of trivia based games. Sorta like NTN but for your house so you can play with friends after dinner and such.

At any rate, I'm now a "content provider" for one of those games. That just means I get to write the questions. So, at lunch time I surf the web and find my information for the questions and then when I get home (after dinner and tubby time and story time and nighty night time with Avery) I put the question together.

Why do you care? You don't, but read on anyway.

My "writing boss" gives me a list of answers that he needs questions for. The game is supposed to be interesting at the very least and really fun or funny too. Here are some of the answers he needs questions for:

• David Koresh
• NAFTA
• Rockefeller Center
• British House of Commons
• Columbine High School Massacre
• Czar Nicholas II

I could go on, but I'm already bored. I'm either getting these because I'm good, or because he really doesn't like me. I mean, Columbine? How the hell do you work with that? I was in tears just doing the research! At any rate, I do my best and he's good about sending back questions that suck. What's really shitty is that he sent me back the one I did on Disney World. I should have been able to really rock that one, but I failed. Here comes all the self-doubt about my writing skills now.... sigh.

Ugh, foul mood approaching. Here's a list update brought to you by my mute parrot Pequito:

"I'm not meant to be caged, LET ME OUT!"

1. AMG. Hang in there, Jessica is moving up...
2. Jessica Rabbit. A monumental rise to the top.
3. Jennifer W.K. Still in the top 3. I'm #2 on her list though :-)
4. Heather. Sorry, blame Jo-Anne for this one.
5. Meggan. Was kind enough to respond to my tag.
6. Kristi. She got a new job, but will it be enough to keep her on The List?
7. Carrie. The eye is back. Did it affect her ranking? We'll never know.
8. Webmiztris. Up one basically just due to someone else being added. Be patient.
9. NYPinTA. Welcome, whoever you are. You don't even have a real picture of yourself anywhere so you're *extra* special.

The cut list(I'd have the list go to 100 if I could, but I can't):

• Jo-Anne
• Leah
• Sandra
• Real-Jo
• Shari
• Lindsey
• Penny
• Laurie
• Helen
• Sassy
• Bry
• NJ
• The Kraken
  

I have been tagged...

Kristi thought she'd tag me, and always being one to enjoy a game of tag I shall reply in kind. My 10 most favourite things (some in order, some not):

1. That Canadians use the superfluous "u" in words like "favourite" and "honour". We also use the metric system.
2. My computer. I'm not sure I'd be able to survive without it.
3. Hockey. I really really really enjoy going to a hockey game (stupid NHL lock out - sigh).
4. Naked women. Does this really need any more explanation?
5. Writing. Some day I hope to make a living doing it.
6. Laying around on a beach doing nothing but tanning and sipping gin & 7up.
7. Showing off my "goods". Who needs pants anyway?
8. My friends and family. Great group of people. Seriously, tons of fun to have around.
9. My wife. She simply understands me. Plus if I sweep she'll do the dishes - and I HATE doing the dishes, so that all works out.
10. Avery Jordan Wilks Butters. She'll be 3 on June 14th. Where is the time going?!?!?!

I now tag the following people:

- Meggan
- Heather
- AMG
- Jessica Rabbit.

If I tagged someone who's been tagged already tuff nuggies, just do it.

Happy Weekend!

OK, so for most of you the weekend doesn't start until some time tomorrow afternoon/evening, but for me it starts in about 2 hours! I'm off to a wedding in Toronto and we pack up the new minivan with child and lots of stuff and head out around nap time today. Then, 36 hours of wedding bliss without spawn, then a quick trip to the beach and a visit to the zoo, then back home so I can call in sick Monday morning.

Before I go though, my good friend, and beloved mute parrot Pequito, would like to leave y'all with the latest and greatest changes to The List.

Pequito, hangin' with his peeps. Fo shizzle ma pizzle!

1. AMG. Back on top! Creative use of her new digital camera was a big factor.
   
2. Heather. Sorry H, it was bound to happen sooner or later.
   
3. Jennifer W.K. Holding strong in the three spot.
   
4. Jessica Rabbit. Up one spot and starting to scare the top three...
   
5. Carrie. Down one. Not her fault, Jessica's coming on strong.
   
6. Kristi. Chillin' at number six. If she gets that other job, we'll have to promote her.
   
7. Meggan. Making some head way with her cheeky sense of humour...
   
8. Jo-Anne. Back but still pretty quiet. Sorry.
   
9. Fresh off the cut list: Webmiztris!!! Welcome. I have no idea where I found you, but your blog is cool, and you're hot. Well done.

The cut list (number 99 on the list, number 1 in my heart):

• NYPinTA (better?)
• Leah
• Sandra
• Real-Jo
• Shari
• Lindsey
• Penny
• Laurie
• Helen
• Sassy
• Bry
• NJ
• The Kraken