Top 10!

I made the top 10 for this week!

Register and vote for me - gimmie 5 stars even if you think I stink. You will not get spam from this website, I promise.

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I'm also entered for Week 2 (of 8) of the contest. Same deal. Register. Vote for me. 5 stars.

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Yet ANOTHER Shameless Plug

OK, I thought this would be fun to do, then I listened to it afterwards and realized I'm not that funny. Oh well, I've got 8 weeks to enter so I might get one that's not half bad. Hell, I KNOW this bit is better than most of the other ones already posted.

Vote as high as you can for me, even if you think I suck donkey balls.

Tell your friends, and VOTE OFTEN.

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Thanks,

Labour Day Labours

So my wife and I took on a whole whack of home improvement projects for our Labour Day weekend. I'm still without work, so with gas prices being so high we decided to stay home instead of driving the minivan 6 hours to the cottage and 6 hours back - two tanks of gas, $200!!!! What the hell? Anyway, here's what we accomplished:

The Mirror

We hung this gift from JOdi's parents above the fireplace in place of a small weddnig picture we had there. I think it looks pretty good.


The Chairs

Avery has a tendancy to spill food - everywhere. Our kitchen chairs were looking quite disgusting and no amount of cleaning was helping. So, we bought some nice fabric and recovered the chairs and then put a cover of thick plastic over top to facilitate easier cleaning. Despite the fact that I now own plastic-covered furniture, it looks good and is a breeze to clean!


The Basement

We cleaned a large portion of the basement and reorganized all of Avery's toys and Jodi's exercise area. We moved her toy house and slide from outside down there too so she would hopefully play with them some more. Still lots of work to do (like drywall!) but it's coming along.




The Main Floor Bathroom

We decided to paint the small bathrooms. We started with the main floor powder room because it had the fewest nail pops and won't require too much patching up when the builders come back to fix the pops in the drywall next month. We don't like the colour, but we've got a gallon of the stuff so we'll probably find other places to paint that shade too (like the basement possibly).


Master Bathroom

There is a house being build behind us that is HUGE and they will be able to see right into our bathroom, so we bought some of that cheap spray on frosting stuff to block out the window. It looks like crap, but until we can get a proper window in there it will do just fine (the window is open, so the left side is the frosted one and the right is looking right outside).


Avery's Bathroom

This is the one I like the best. It's a nice bright yellow with all the flashy daisies on the accessories and everything. It worked out really well and Avery loves it, so that's a relief.


In other news I have a 2nd interview with a company in Quebec tomorrow, so I have to prepare for some of the more technical questions they might ask me. If anyone has any advice on how to handle tech questions on Java testing, DCOM testing or IIS configuration issues I'd appreciate the help. I've been a manager for so long it's been a while since I've done anything useful in the technical arena. I'll keep y'all posted.

Dog Days of Summer

Well, if you haven't heard already, then you can read it now. Only this time it will have a less bitter feel to it...

I got laid off.

On Tuesday, July 19th, 2005 (hereinafter known as "Black Tuesday") I was called into the board room where there was a friend of mine (who also happens to be an HR Manager) sitting at a table and my boss on the phone from California. They told me I was being let go and they gave me a envelope and a smile and sent me on my way.

Now I won't get into how much this ticked me off, but suffice it to say that after having just been moved to Ottawa from Waterloo less than a year ago that I was a bit shocked. What was I going to do? I have no contacts here yet, I have a massive mortgage that needs paying, and I only had 10 weeks severance to work with. I needed to start looking for a new job pronto.

That is why I've been silent for so long on this blog. First I was just busy with everything and then the shit hit the fan at work, and then I took a week off to just be depressed, then I spent more than two weeks just applying to job after job after job. Then I took a week to just do stuff around the house and so-forth. Now, I'm on "vacation" up at my parents cottage. It could be worse I suppose.

I had an interview last week and didn't get the job. I have another interview tomorrow too with the Weather Network as an "Interactive Web Services Development Manager" so we'll see how that works out. Spirits are high with interest in my resume, so hopefully I can turn that into some sort of work soon.

On the upside to all of this, I have managed to plot out the movie I'm writing pretty much in its entirety. I've got two scenes fully written and the rest of them point-formed out in my notebook. In doing all of this I've also managed to get an idea for a computer program that will help people like me plot out their movie and put it in the right format and everything. I'll likely get one of my friends to write some code for me and see if I can put it to good use for my next movie :-)

What else... oh yeah, Jodi was reading Avery one of those Dora the Explorer books that helps young kids learn to read. It uses pictures of common objects in with the text of the book so that when you come to certain words, the picture is there too and the kid can point to the picture and learn to identify letters. For instance, when the story comes to a point with a tree in it, there will be a picture of a tree with "tree" written under it so the kid can learn to identify the letters and sounds associated with the picture.

So anyway, Jodi is reading this book with Avery and it's about baseball or something like that. They come to a point in the book where Dora slides into home base and there's a picture of home plate. So Jodi says, "... and then Dora slides into home...." and she points to the picture of home base and Avery says, "Depot!". Yes, she is my daughter. Home base doesn't even register to her (even after an explanation), she goes straight to Home Depot. Awesome!

That's about it. It's raining like a mufo out there right now so maybe I can get a bit of writing in.

I'll keep you all posted on the job hunt.

I'm Baaaaaack

Well to recap the vacation would take a long time, so here is the basic idea:

• Leave Ottawa on Wednesday, June 22 at 1:00pm - a full 2 hours later than expected.
• After drugging Avery with some Children's Gravol we stop 6.5 hours later for dinner in Montpelier Vermont. Food was good but they refuse to pronounce the name of their town properly.
• Arrive in East Windsor CT at 9:30pm. Avery is showing no signs of sleeping any time soon and does not disappoint. She goes to bed with Jodi at midnight as I'm out drinking after a hard day's drive.
• I golf on Thursday with the wedding party and a few others. Jodi takes Avery to a small petting zoo in Springfield MA. Avery had fun. I shot a 53 on the front then stopped keeping score after 13 holes.
• That night was a get together with the wedding party and the out-of-towners. Great food at the something something we were at in Hartford.
• Friday I took Avery back to Springfield for a swim and some fun at the playground. Pool was closed (apparently until July 1st) but splash park was open. Jodi went shopping. American Express just sent me flowers.
• Friday evening was the wedding. Avery was perfectly behaved at the ceremony and through dinner then she hit the dance floor. She was the hit of the party leading every dance and in the middle of everything.
• I smuggled Cuban cigars across the border and had a smoke with 15 or so other wedding guests. Cohiba's were a big hit with the Americans. Avery was up until midnight again before Jodi dragged us both home (kicking and screaming).
• Saturday was a great day for a hangover, and a drive from Hartford to Rochester NY.
• We slide into Letchworth State Park at around 6:00pm and get the last camp site (after getting lost at least twice).
• Avery spends her first night in a tent. She loves it but mommy and daddy sleep like shit.
• Sunday was a quick 5 hour drive to Wasaga Beach Ontario (2 hours North of Toronto) to stay at my parents cottage (on the water!)
• Chilled there until Tuesday after lunch then went to visit a friend of Jodi's that afternoon an hour away. It was a good visit.
• Chilled at the beach until Thursday afternoon where we drove another 3 hours to Woodstock Ontario to visit Jodi's parents.
• Friday Jodi took Avery on a 3 hour drive to Southampton Ontario to see relatives and I drove 1 hour to Waterloo Ontario for a Canada Day golf tournament
• Jodi leaves Southampton early because the weather sucks ass.
• I lock my keys and golf clubs in the trunk of Jodi's dad's convertible. He has to drive me out a spare set of keys so I can get my stuff and make my tee time.
• I shoot a 97 (which is good for me) and make it back to Woodstock on time for fireworks with Jodi, Avery and Jodi's brother. Avery keeps asking when the firemen are coming to light the sky.
• We leave Woodstock at 10:00am on Saturday morning and get back to Ottawa at around 4:30pm. Just enough time to mow the lawn and make dinner.
• Sunday - lots of sleep. Actually, no. We went biking with Avery downtown Ottawa and then for a swim in the river.

So there you have it. We had fun, but we need a vacation from our vacation. We're at the beach for a week in August by ourselves so hopefully we can just drive the 5 hours then sit on our asses for 7 days.

Kids Say the Darndest Things

Avery is very vocal. I've had complete strangers come up and tell me how articulate she is, and how she must do very well in school (Avery is quite tall for her age). Then I tell them she's only a stone's throw older than 3 years old and they get all gob struck. Jodi and I have no reference point because this is our only child and we have limited, if any, experience in early childhood development (a Political Science major and a Physics major respectively) so these comments give us big swollen head parents of child genius syndrome. It's actually quite nice :-)

Today I dropped Avery off at her home day care place. Debbie looks after her 9 month old son, her 3 1/2 year old daughter, Avery, and a 15 month old girl named Emily. Emily just started talking and says "Hi" and "Bye" and "Avery!" when we come and go from Debbie's. Avery and Debbie's daughter don't like Emily that much because she's smaller and can't participate in all the things that they like to do. We try to get them to be civil to each other as much as possible though because Emily just wants so badly to be involved.

So any way, today I drop Avery off and Emily comes running around the corner yelling "Avery! Avery!" and Avery walks quite casually over to her and puts her hand on Emily's shoulder and says, "So Emily, how have you been?". I just about fell over. It was like a conversation you'd have with your church pastor's wife after service. "So Mary-Elizabeth, how have you been? Good, good. So happy to hear your apple pie turned out".

Then there are times where Avery is a normal 3 year old. Jodi took her on the ferris wheel at Centre Island in Toronto this weekend as as it was going round and round, on one of the coming down parts Avery looked over to Jodi and says, "Mommy, I no like this ride, it's hurting my feelings".

During a special dinner where the TV was on one night we had on a Dora the Explorer video where Dora was teaching the kids how to Mambo. At one point in the video Dora starts to sing, "Walk in place! Walk in place!" and Avery starts to move her hips in her chair mimicking someone walking in place. Avery starts to sing along, "Walk and play. Walk and play". Then Dora starts to sing, "Wiggle your hips! Wiggle your hips!" and Avery promptly tucks her hands under her arms and flaps her arms like a chicken singing, "Wiggle your pits! Wiggle your pits!". I'm telling you, Raffi couldn't even make this stuff up.

Finally, we were on our way out yesterday to get me some golf shorts and a new white shirt and Avery had eaten some blueberries before we got into the van. Jodi turns around to look at Avery once she's all buckled into her car seat and says, "Avery, you've got some blueberry on the inside of your leg". Avery looks down and says, "How did it get inside? There's no door to get in". Apparently we have yet to explain to her that inside your leg is quite different from the inside of your leg.

From the mouth of babes, eh?

Tigress Woods

It's Avery's third birthday today and as I eluded to in the last post, Jodi and I took Avery to play minigolf on Sunday evening. There's this crappy little course by our house with animals at each hole. They have a big polar bear out front and Avery loves polar bears so we figured she'd have fun.

She's never been minigolfing before, in fact she's never swung a golf club or putter before. I've tried on many occasions to show her how so I can get a feel for if she golfs left or right (so I can buy the proper clubs) but she wants nothing to do with it. She actually prefers hockey (so it's not all bad news)!

Anyway, we get to the course and the guy at the counter takes one look at her and decides she's too small to charge to play. Score. That's 3 bucks in my pocket. We get up to the first tee which was some sort of funny tube that was supposed to be a rocket (OK, so not all holes had an animal). I put the ball down on the mat and stood above Avery and showed her how to put her feet then I asked her to hold the club. She held it left, so we went with that. I held her hands to keep the putter straight and told her to pull it back and then "whack the ball".

She did exactly as I told her and the ball goes sailing through this long tube and out the other end and whipping right past the hole to the railing where it bounced off and took a little hop and landed right in the cup. A freaking hole in one on her first ever shot with a golf club. That has to be some sort of record. Funny thing is, Avery kept calling it "Mickey Mouse" instead of "minigolf" and didn't have a clue what a "putter" or "club" was - it was her "hockey stick" or "whacker thing". Man, you can't put a price on moments like those.

So Avery cruises along until about the 8th hole. Right before she hits the ball she looks down and sees a whole bunch of little caterpillars on the astroturf. She drops her putter and screams "caterpillars! Look, little caterpillars! They will turn into butterflies. This one is away from his mommy and daddy (she picks it up and walks it over to another one lying on the ground). There you go, back home now". At any rate, suffice it to say that Avery's game suffered greatly after the discovery of actual wildlife on the course. Oh well, she is still only 3 years old.

We get to the end of the course and there's this big ramp with a horribly drawn picture of a clown face at the end with a wide open mouth with a hole in it where the ball goes through. Avery says, "What this hole? I have to hit it through the big scary thing?" I've never thought about it but I guess to a kid clowns are freaking scary. This thing was certainly nothing to look at, that's for sure. She hits the ball a few dozen times then crawls up under the protective grate (so the ball doesn't launch into the parking lot) and throws the ball into the hole. She then crawls out and runs around to the other side where she realizes for the first time that the ball is not coming back. Of course, this leads to a complete meltdown as we try to explain to her that that's how minigolf works - you don't get to keep the ball after the last hole, you have to give it back so someone else can have a turn. In hindsight we probably could have prepared her for that a little better. Oh well, I'm still new to all this parenting stuff, sometimes you miss one.

--------------------------

Does anyone else have a three year old who can spell their name? Seriously, we were picnicking with this kid and his dad goes, "Connor, spell 'Connor'", and the kid rhymes off "C-O-N-N-O-R". "Now Avery". "A-V-E-R-Y", along with a whole host of other words. Is this normal? His parents tried to downplay the fact that he's always liked letters and numbers and just took to spelling naturally, but me and Jodi and the other mom there were like, "What the f**k? If he starts playing Bach on the toy xylophone I'm getting a flippin tutor". Anyhow, I'm trying to teach her how to spell "raspberry" to one up this little Connor genius. We'll see how it goes.

The joys of fatherhood...and golf.

This could easily be the greatest week of the year for me. Not just this year, but EVERY year. You see, this is the time of the year where I get to experience the "perfect storm" of joy. Three independant avenues of celebration and happiness all converging in a 7-day window creating a swirling dirvish of euphoria and bliss. I really should take this week off every year so that work doesn't drag me down. Not that it could, my job could be a hell of a lot worse and I could get paid a lot less to do it and besides, this week is far too amazing to have a mere job have any kind of negative effect.

Coming in from the South is a warm wave of sunshine and smiles in the form of Father's Day. For three years this has been a wonderful day for me and I fully expect that this year will not disappoint either. Being a father is the single most difficult job I've ever had. If you have kids you know what I'm talking about and if you don't just take my word for it. It's hard. At least it's hard if you're doing it properly. If it's not hard than you're either in the 0.000000001% of the population with a perfect child or you just not doing it right. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

As it turns out my daughter is related to Father's Day in more than one way. Yes, I have a daughter and therefore quailfy for the Father's Day bonus every year, but I'm in a relatively rare situation; Avery was born the Friday before Father's Day. So I got to celebrate that special occasion with a 2 day old baby. Not even, in fact. This picture was taken on Father's Day 2002. My daughter was not even 2 days old at this point.

I also got to bathe Avery for the first time on Father's Day, bring her home from the hospital, and show her to my father who came in from out of town (and not 2 weeks before leaving the country for a trip). This picture is my father on Father's Day after we just got home from the hospital with my 2 day old daughter:

Now, related to the front from the South and rolling in from the West is a sugar-high pressure, high intensity, whilrlwind of giggles and screams that is my daughter's birthday. As mentioned before, she was born two days before Father's Day 2002 on June 14th. This past weekend we took Avery and two of her gymnastics friends to the splash park for a picnic. It was a blast and as soon as I get my film developed I'll post pictures (the "normal" SLR camera takes better pictures so that's why I don't have any digital ones from that day). Tomorrow I'll get to celebrate her 3rd birthday with Jodi and we'll have a big cake and presents and stuff. Then this weekend (if not then, shortly thereafter) we'll get to celebrate her birthday again with my family and then Jodi's family (both out of town - in different towns).

Every year around this time there's always the Eastern flow of sports fanatics that converge on the USGA's course of choice to take in the thrill that is the U.S. Open of Golf. The second major championship of the season and one of the most exciting to watch. This golf tournament holds special significance to me not just for its prestige, or the fact that it's a major OPEN championship (that is to say, anyone can qualify and anyone can win - even me), but because on Avery's birth video when Jodi first started to go into labour at the hospital you can hear the U.S. Open on the TV in the background. Now, I turned it off for the birth portion of the evening but Saturday and Sunday were spent watching the U.S. Open on TV with my wife and baby daughter. Needless to say I was in complete heaven and every year since then this golf tournament has held a special place in my heart. It's Avery's tournament as much as it is Tiger Woods' or Ernie Els' or Vijay Singh's. After her showing at minigolf last night she just might be winning the damn thing some day.

Now that is it for this year, but every OTHER year there is one more thing; a cold snap that creeps down from the North that is the Stanley Cup Playoffs! Because of the stupid labour strife issues between the NHL and the Players Association there were no playoffs this year, but every year since 2002 and hopefully every year after this one will bring with it the greatest sports playoffs ever. 16 teams fighting over four rounds to win the greatest sporting trophy in the world. Growing up I would pretend to win the Stanley Cup over and over and over again. To just hold it above my head like Mr. Steve Yzerman here in 2002 would be the greatest thrill in the world for me.



In 2002, because of the Olympics, the NHL playoffs were delayed and they were handing out the Cup later than usual. In fact, I was watching the final game on Thursday June 13th and when it was all over and Detriot had paraded the Cup all around the ice I turned to my wife in bed and said, "OK, you can give birth now". Which was funny at the time because she was still 3 weeks away from her due date. The next morning at 5:15 my wife's water broke and she woke me up with, "Andrew.... Andrew..... We're going to have a baby". I was completely asleep and was only able to mutter, "I know". Jodi then says, "No, we're having one today. My water just broke". Well if I didn't jump out of bed like my ass was on fire and start backing the bags... The rest as they say, is history, but suffice it to say that if I wasn't already completely nuts for the hockey playoffs that I certainly am now.

Hockey playoffs, and more importantly the Stanley Cup being handed out signify the start of a wonderful period for me every year. One where the Three Fronts Of Happiness converge and turn my world into one of hope, renewal, amazement and love. Yup, it is indeed a wonderful time of year, and I'm leaving work early.

Questions Abound

Does anyone else have this deep rooted fear of their cell phone falling into the toilet when they go to the bathroom?

When you dial a number and you get that message saying, "This is a long distance call. Please dial "1" before the number and try your call again. This is a recording", if it knows that you needed to dial "1", why doesn't it just add the "1" and connect you?

How come no matter what I put in the microwave at work when I press "Auto Reheat" it sets itself to three minutes?

Why do my computer clock and phone clock read different times? Furthermore, my VCR is set off of my television, so why are those times different too?

Why do cops ask if I know how fast I was going? If they're pulling me over, it's a pretty good guess that it was not under the speed limit.

Why do some people insist on talking to me when I go to great lenghts to let them know I'd rather be doing anything else?

Why do they do construction during rush hour?

Are seagulls *really* on the endangered species list?

How do you explain that little water tornado that forms when the water drains out of the tub to a 3 year old? "It's a vortex sweetie. Like a tornado but in water. What's a tornado? What's a vortex? Well when the water goes down the drain the molecules... What's a molecule? Oh look, the water's gone, let's get you dried off..."

Playgrounds and other heart attack sites

Before we start, Avery had another good one last night. She was lying in bed with her head on my chest and I was starting to read a book and she says, "You didn't lick your finger!". It made absolutely no sense to me so I just carried on reading the book. When I finished she picked up another book and wanted to "read" it to me. She looks up at me and says, "See? You lick your finger first, THEN you turn the page and read the book!". She licked her right index finger opened the book and then turned the page with her left hand. Priceless...

Anyway, is it me or is going to the playground the absolute easiest hour of parenting in the history of parenting? You stand there while your kid runs around and goes on slides and plays in the sand. Perfect. I don't have to do any exercise and I get to watch them have a blast while I sip on a soda. It's not all fun and games though -- oh no -- don't let your senses be distracted by all the colourful ladders and twisting slides and intricate monkey bars.

Playgrounds are where the hearts of parents go to skip a beat, and eventually stop all together, leaving the child to run for the nearest pay phone to call 9-1-1 as their mommy or daddy lies twitching in the sand next to a sand shovel and some 2 year old who's now screaming hysterically because you fell on his castle.

Yes indeed, playgrounds are sadistic inventions brought to you by the makers of pace makers, glycerin and other heart medication.

Exhibit A: The ladder



Hazzards:

• Falling backwards and breaking your neck
• Falling forwards and smashing your teeth (I've done that)
• The dreaded "split" (worse for boys - I've done that too)

Exhibit B: The funny looking climbing thing

Hazzards:

• Falling backwards and breaking your neck
• Falling forwards and breaking your nose
• The dreaded "split" (variation)

Exhibit C: The monkey bar(s)



Hazzards:

• Falling down and breaking your neck
• Losing a shoe
  

Exhibit D: The slides



Hazzards:

• Falling down and breaking your neck
• Falling of the end and breaking your leg
• Going head first and smashing your teeth
• Ramming into someone at the bottom
• Getting rammed at the bottom by someone
• Slipping while running up and breaking your nose

Finally, the single most terrifying element of the evil playground - and coincidently the most loved part of the outing for my daughter...

Exhibit E: The SIDEWAYS ladder



Hazzards:

• Falling forwards and breaking your neck
• Falling backwards and breaking your neck
• The dreaded "split"
• The fall on to the lower bar and smashing your teeth
• The fall with the arm/leg getting stuck and breaking said arm/leg
• Landing on someone when you fall
• Having someone fall and land on you

I'm telling you, if watching your kid do the sideways ladder doesn't give you heart palpitations I don't know what will. Now, if you'll excuse me I have to go buy one of those portable defibrillators, Avery wants to go to the park again tonight.

Ch ch ch chan-ges

Well you may have noticed that there's no more list. I am sad to say that Pequito (my mute parrot) has run away with that slut budgie from across the street. Until such time as I can get into Pequito's file cabinet (those darn keys are so small - very hard to pick the lock) we'll have to find something else to do. Not sure how this will affect blog traffic, but I'm not sure I care either. I know I've got a few blogger friends out there that will come back regardless of their status on The List.

In keeping with my recent theme of showing off my daughter Avery here's a couple more treasures:

We went to see Madagascar yesterday afternoon since Avery and Jodi were well enough to leave the house for a couple hours. Avery really wanted a taco for dinner and the theatre happened to have a Taco Cat Bell so it seemed like a good thing to do. Without spoiling the movie let's just say that at one point the lion goes into a makeshift cave to sulk. Avery looked up and Jodi and I and said, "Lion is going for a time out". You see, the lion was misbehaving and couldn't control himself so he had to go sit by himself to calm down. Of course! Now if only we could get Avery to actually implement those rules for herself...

We have had Avery in swim lessons since she was 3 months old so she's no stranger the pool. She's also no stranger to nudity - she is my daughter after all. So one day we're in the changeroom at the pool and it's one of those family change rooms, so there's moms with sons and dads with daughters and a bunch of stalls to change in. So I'm getting changed and Avery points to my thing and says, "What's that?". I ignored her. So she says again with more force now, "What's THAT?". So I lean in close and whisper, "That's daddy's penis". What happened next? You guessed it. She yelled at the top of her lungs, "DADDY HAS A PENIS. I NO HAVE PEANUTS, I HAVE A BUHGINA. DADDY HAS A PENIS!". Well needless to say all the moms in the other stalls were laughing their asses off. Thank God Avery hasn't yet learned about "shrinkage".

Having a Daughter...Priceless

So my kid is smart. Not genius or anything, but really smart. I heard about this kid who was three and could count by threes (3, 6, 9, 12, ....) - now that's just crazy! No, my kid will be 3 on June 14th and can't count by threes, but she is pretty damn smart.

On the way home from the doctor today (she has an ear infection) we turned out of the parking lot and she says to me, "Daddy, what street is this?". I say, "It's March Road". "March?", she says, "Where does your birthday live"?

You see, my birthday is in March. Jodi's is in August and Avery's is in June. If you ask avery how old she is, she will hold up two fingers (pinky and index - sign of the devil style) and say, "I'm two! I'll be three in June (holds up 3 fingers - index, middle, ring). Daddy is in March and mommy is in August".

So, when I told her that we were on March Road, the first thing she thought was, "Hey, this is March road. Daddy's birthday is in March. Daddy's birthday must live here!". Genius? You tell me. I just thought it was pretty damn hilarious. It only took me 5 minutes to figure out what the hell she was talking about!

Skip ahead to a few minutes ago. Avery is in the tub and she leans over sideways and puts her hair in the water. She looks up at me and says, "My hair needs water so it will grow, just like the flowers. See? It's growing"!

At any rate, I'm completely impressed at this point. Of course she's our only child so I have absolutely no reference point, but I'm pretty certain she's already smarter than me.

You can see tons more of Avery HERE.

...you probably think this song is about you.

Here's a picture of me at my daughter's swimming lesson on Monday.



Yes, that's Avery drowning as I smile for the camera. I could quite possibly be the single worst father ever to attend a child's swimming class.

On a side note, here's another picture of Avery chasing a ball. Does anyone think that the ball looks "fake"? No really, it looks like I Photoshoped it in. Strange. No?



So, there you go. Pequito is on vacation. I think he's actually flown off with that slut budgie across the street.

The new List:

1. Jessica Rabbit - Still on top. Man is she ever HOT. Great... uh teeth too :-)
2. AMG - Like the new picture. LOVE the new post.
3. Jennifer W.K. - Still going strong. New party pics are amazing!
4. Kristi - New job. She sent me a really nice email the other day.
5. Heather - No new posts in a while? Exams?!? Bah.
6. NYPinTA - Movin' on up! Keep commenting babe.
7. Webmiztres - Two newcomers have the Webmiztres up a couple spots
8. Shari - Welcome!!!
9. Sandra - Welcome!!!

After the first ever DOUBLE BUMP from The List the people on the outside looking in are:

1. Meggan
2. Carrie
3. Jo-Anne
4. Leah
5. Sandra
6. Real-Jo
7. Lindsey
8. Penny
9. Laurie
10. Helen
11. Sassy
12. Bry
13. NJ
14. The Kraken

Having a great time. Please send money.

The other day I made reference in one of my comments to my daughter having the same love for shoes as her mother. In case you missed it:

Someone better bid on my toast... baby needs a new pair of shoes. If she's anything like her mother she still needs 147 more pairs and that money has to come from somewhere!

That quote was in reference to a piece of controversial toast I'm selling on ebay. I know, I know, I'm a big blasphemous loser, but we've already determined I'm going to hell so I figure I've got nothing to lose.

At any rate, I woke up this morning and was preparing something for my daughter to eat and one of her shows ended (I think it was Arthur. One of the better ones for her to watch, I think). Well because kids attention spans are about 30 seconds long they fill the time with other little creative shows to carry them over to the next episode (in this case we were waiting for George Shrinks to come on).

Well on TVO (Television Ontario - sort of like Canadian PBS for the province of Ontario) has this filler spot called "Twinkle Toes". It's all about dancing and body movement and so forth. The opening for the show has a large number of pink and blue shoes of various styles moving back and forth across the screen as the show title is written out in some scripted font.

So Avery is across the room when this show comes on and she RUNS to the television and when all the shoes start moving around she hugs the TV! I'm not kidding!!! She hugged the damn television!

Some day I will take photos of all the shoes in my house. You'll see, it's complete madness.

So in honour of all the beautiful women everywhere who love shoes, here is The List:

We went to the zoo and saw some of Pequito's friends.

Keepin' it simple today. You wanna know more, post comments or send me an email!

1. Jessica Rabbit.
2. AMG.
3. Meggan.
4. Jennifer W.K.
5. Heather.
6. Kristi.
7. Webmiztris.
8. NYPinTA.
9. Carrie.

And of course we can't forget the cut list:

1. Jo-Anne
2. Leah
3. Sandra
4. Real-Jo
5. Shari
6. Lindsey
7. Penny
8. Laurie
9. Helen
10. Sassy
11. Bry
12. NJ
13. The Kraken

I'm Never Going to Amount to Anything...

OK, so I've got this writing gig on the side. My job is pretty laid back and on my lunch hour I can surf the 'net and work on my other stuff. There's this new home TV video game outfit in Toronto and they are putting together a couple of trivia based games. Sorta like NTN but for your house so you can play with friends after dinner and such.

At any rate, I'm now a "content provider" for one of those games. That just means I get to write the questions. So, at lunch time I surf the web and find my information for the questions and then when I get home (after dinner and tubby time and story time and nighty night time with Avery) I put the question together.

Why do you care? You don't, but read on anyway.

My "writing boss" gives me a list of answers that he needs questions for. The game is supposed to be interesting at the very least and really fun or funny too. Here are some of the answers he needs questions for:

• David Koresh
• NAFTA
• Rockefeller Center
• British House of Commons
• Columbine High School Massacre
• Czar Nicholas II

I could go on, but I'm already bored. I'm either getting these because I'm good, or because he really doesn't like me. I mean, Columbine? How the hell do you work with that? I was in tears just doing the research! At any rate, I do my best and he's good about sending back questions that suck. What's really shitty is that he sent me back the one I did on Disney World. I should have been able to really rock that one, but I failed. Here comes all the self-doubt about my writing skills now.... sigh.

Ugh, foul mood approaching. Here's a list update brought to you by my mute parrot Pequito:

"I'm not meant to be caged, LET ME OUT!"

1. AMG. Hang in there, Jessica is moving up...
2. Jessica Rabbit. A monumental rise to the top.
3. Jennifer W.K. Still in the top 3. I'm #2 on her list though :-)
4. Heather. Sorry, blame Jo-Anne for this one.
5. Meggan. Was kind enough to respond to my tag.
6. Kristi. She got a new job, but will it be enough to keep her on The List?
7. Carrie. The eye is back. Did it affect her ranking? We'll never know.
8. Webmiztris. Up one basically just due to someone else being added. Be patient.
9. NYPinTA. Welcome, whoever you are. You don't even have a real picture of yourself anywhere so you're *extra* special.

The cut list(I'd have the list go to 100 if I could, but I can't):

• Jo-Anne
• Leah
• Sandra
• Real-Jo
• Shari
• Lindsey
• Penny
• Laurie
• Helen
• Sassy
• Bry
• NJ
• The Kraken
  

I have been tagged...

Kristi thought she'd tag me, and always being one to enjoy a game of tag I shall reply in kind. My 10 most favourite things (some in order, some not):

1. That Canadians use the superfluous "u" in words like "favourite" and "honour". We also use the metric system.
2. My computer. I'm not sure I'd be able to survive without it.
3. Hockey. I really really really enjoy going to a hockey game (stupid NHL lock out - sigh).
4. Naked women. Does this really need any more explanation?
5. Writing. Some day I hope to make a living doing it.
6. Laying around on a beach doing nothing but tanning and sipping gin & 7up.
7. Showing off my "goods". Who needs pants anyway?
8. My friends and family. Great group of people. Seriously, tons of fun to have around.
9. My wife. She simply understands me. Plus if I sweep she'll do the dishes - and I HATE doing the dishes, so that all works out.
10. Avery Jordan Wilks Butters. She'll be 3 on June 14th. Where is the time going?!?!?!

I now tag the following people:

- Meggan
- Heather
- AMG
- Jessica Rabbit.

If I tagged someone who's been tagged already tuff nuggies, just do it.

Happy Weekend!

OK, so for most of you the weekend doesn't start until some time tomorrow afternoon/evening, but for me it starts in about 2 hours! I'm off to a wedding in Toronto and we pack up the new minivan with child and lots of stuff and head out around nap time today. Then, 36 hours of wedding bliss without spawn, then a quick trip to the beach and a visit to the zoo, then back home so I can call in sick Monday morning.

Before I go though, my good friend, and beloved mute parrot Pequito, would like to leave y'all with the latest and greatest changes to The List.

Pequito, hangin' with his peeps. Fo shizzle ma pizzle!

1. AMG. Back on top! Creative use of her new digital camera was a big factor.
   
2. Heather. Sorry H, it was bound to happen sooner or later.
   
3. Jennifer W.K. Holding strong in the three spot.
   
4. Jessica Rabbit. Up one spot and starting to scare the top three...
   
5. Carrie. Down one. Not her fault, Jessica's coming on strong.
   
6. Kristi. Chillin' at number six. If she gets that other job, we'll have to promote her.
   
7. Meggan. Making some head way with her cheeky sense of humour...
   
8. Jo-Anne. Back but still pretty quiet. Sorry.
   
9. Fresh off the cut list: Webmiztris!!! Welcome. I have no idea where I found you, but your blog is cool, and you're hot. Well done.

The cut list (number 99 on the list, number 1 in my heart):

• NYPinTA (better?)
• Leah
• Sandra
• Real-Jo
• Shari
• Lindsey
• Penny
• Laurie
• Helen
• Sassy
• Bry
• NJ
• The Kraken
  

Spur of the Moment

I decided to change the list just like that [snaps fingers]. Like that [tries to snap fingers again]. Like... THAT [tries one more time].
(I knew I should've learned to do that. Would've come in real handy just there)

So I'm sitting in front of the TV watching Dora The Explorer for the 600th time with my daughter and I read my blogs and then check on mine and see that Anger Management has a new post about how I hate cats and this blog is stuck on the post about my explosive colon and I thought that while the enema story is pretty funny no one really wants to read that for too long so I should probably do something about that so I start a new post but when I go to submit it I lose my wireless connection and I lost the whole thing so what you're actually reading is my second go at this except for that last part because I didn't write that the first time becuase I expected it to just work!

This post is brought to you by the run on sentence.

For the first time ever I present to you my mute parrot Pequito here to enlighten and tantalize you with the new List changes:

Pequito hangin' in his house. Notice that he's giving Geekbird
the finger. If he could talk he'd say, "I'll show you a bird, asshole!".

1. Heather is hanging on to the top spot. Are we seeing the beginning of a new dynasty?
2. AMG. Back to #2. She's got a new picture up and it's super classy. Plus she posted something else above that "other" picture.
3. Jennifer W.K. now sits at #3. That's the same place I am on her list... interesting.
4. Carrie takes over the 4 spot. Was it because of her new picture? We'll never know.
5. Jessica Rabbit. I still really really like her comments.
6. Kristi has been working so hard lately I decided to give her a rest. All that work trying to stay on top was killing her.
7. Jo-Anne is back from Florida! We'll see if she can't work her way up next week.
8. Real-Jo. Still quiet. In danger of slipping...
9. Meggan. New list member! Welcome. I think I got your name from Jessica Rabbit's blog where you commented on her breasts. That caught my eye...

The cut list (you're all winners, just not on The List):

• Leah
• Webmiztris
• Shari
• Lindsey
• Penny
• Laurie
• Helen
• Sassy
• Bry
• NJ
• The Kraken
• NYPinTA

We close with the requisite insult for my pal Geekbird, this time submitted by "Phil" from North Bay, Ontario:

"Quit being so stupid, you worthless evil disease. You're croth smells like a flatulant hemmorhoid and you are a shriveled doormat of a person."

So You're Going to Have an Enema? Part I

This is something that actually happened to me. I'm not making any of this up, but I might be making it a tad funnier that it actually was at the time. It's 100% true.

It's a story in three parts - that's best told in person - but if I don't write this down now I may forget all the details that make it so wonderfully entertaining (for everyone else but me, that is). It should be read quickly as that's how it's supposed to be told. Imagine lots of funny faces and arm waiving too.

This is also the longest post in the history of Blogger. You have been warned.

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Part I - Preparation

I had been having stomach troubles for a while and my doctor decided it was time to go in. My options were this. 1) Camera tube down throat. 2) Camera tube up ass. 3) Enema & X-Rays with Barium milk shake & X-Rays. After much deliberation we decided the least invasive route would be option 3.

"So", I said to my doctor, "I've heard the term before, but what exactly is involved with all this anyway?". Now my doctor being not the best with bedside manner responded rather coldly, "Well, first you drink this barium - a lot of it - and then they rock you around, and take some x-rays. Then once that's all settled, about a month later, you go in and they stick a 1/4" surgical tube up your ass and pump you full of more barium, rock you around a bit, pump air into your lower intestine and take some more x-rays. Then you shit cement for a few days."

At least he was honest. Well, the barium milk shake was a piece of cake. That is, if you can muscle down the sickest drink ever imagined. It was like something out of Fear Factor, only my life might actually depend on this so you HAVE to do it. It sucked big time, but it didn't even suck a fraction of the amount that the rest did.

So after a month of waiting they finally tell me that the "Upper GI" turned up nothing and now it was time for IT. They sent me one of those little pamphlets labeled "Enemas" and it had lovely little pictures in it and very detailed medical text on what to expect and what it was all about and what they could find. Very educational. Also a complete and total piece of shit lie.

Before you go in for this procedure you have to be um.... clean. Not clean in the porn star sort of way with the boys as slick as marbles, but clean as in a digestive track that's void of anything - including liquid, and especially food. So I go to the pharmacy to get "the kit". It's a lovely 3-step program designed to cleanse your inner self. In retrospect, this was nothing at all like the Yoga I had originally hoped it would be.

Step 0: The Fasting
Yes, there's a step zero. Any of you who've taken Thermodynamics would know that. Anyway, step zero is to eat nothing for a day, drink only clear chicken broth and water. The next morning it's only water, lunch more water, then before bed on that day nothing until after the procedure. Seeing as I was 6' 2" and only 140 lbs at the time, I was actually worried about not eating for that long. More on the weight loss later.

Step 1: The Pills
These are little pills - white - that you swallow in the morning. They did essentially nothing. Do this day I wonder if they just had them so that the kit could contain three steps instead of just two.

Step 2: The Drink
So I'm at work on the 2nd day and I'm hungry as hell. All I've had to eat for more than a day is water and chicken broth and those three stupid pills that did nothing. At lunch time I read the box for "the drink". It says that I should drink it all down as quickly as I can and that I should "expect a strong reaction in 3 or 4 hours." What the hell does that mean? I mean I know what it means, but they can't pin it down any better than that?

So I drink this vile stuff. Granted, it was WAY better than drinking barium, but it still was really shitty. It was the most concentrated, carbonated, lemon juice I've ever had. About 2 hours later my friend happens by my cube and reads the box. He says to me, "If their margin of error is 1 hour, what if the reaction time happens in 2 to 3 hours instead of 3 to 4?"

Oh shit. I hate it when people other than me make so much sense. I packed up my stuff immediately and headed home, in what had to the the worst rain storm I've ever seen in my life. I start my 1986 Cutlass and it gives me a really hard time. It does not like rain AT ALL. I wasn't even out of the parking lot when IT HAPPENED. The strong reaction was upon me, and it was pissed!

Wanting home field advantage, I put the pedal to the ground. It's normally a 10 minute drive to home from work - I planned to do it in 4. I took the most direct route home and basically broke every motor law there is for the province of Ontario with the exception of not stopping for a school bus (thankfully it was mid-day and kids were still in school). Now I get to my street, or rather the one right before mine and I see a GIANT puddle in the road from the rain. Not wanting to get stuck in it I floored it. I'm doing 90 in a 40 now and am not even thinking about losing my license, killing someone, or killing myself. I just need to get home. NOW.

I hit the puddle and my car almost comes to a screeching halt as a wall of water 20 feet high sprays on either side of me. I felt like Moses. Then, my car sputtered. Oh no. It coughed and slowed now. Oh no. The tachometer plummeted to zero rpm. Oh no!!!!! I instantly invented a new swear word (something like jesusfuckingchristholyshitfuckgoddamnasslickinghellbitch). I put the pedal to the floor, turned the ignition and punched my dashboard with my other hand. the fucking thing started and took off like a rocket. I now believe in God.

I park in the handicap spot in front of my building. I didn't have a permit, but if any situation warranted this violation I'm guessing it was this one. Plus, that was pretty much the only law I hadn't broken in the last 6 minutes (I know, I blew the target ETA) and I wanted to clear the board. I run up the stairs three at a time and I get to my floor and I run - like - hell. I round the corner and there's someone in the hallway. In front of my door. With a GIANT roll of carpet for the hallway.

You have GOT to be FUCKING kidding me! I start screaming bloody murder at this poor immigrant-looking fellow. "Fucking move asshole! Get out of the way! Away from my fucking door you carpet laying piece of shit! MOVE!!!". I've never seen such a small man move such a big roll of carpet so fast in my life.

I open my door and leave it wide open (no time to close it) and get to the bathroom and have a seat. My pants hit the floor at the exact time my body decided to imitate a fucking space shuttle launch. And it was LOUD. And my doors were open. And there was a little Indian man out in my hallway with a big roll of carpet crushing him to death. I did not care. Not one bit.

It ended quickly. I got up, washed up and weighed myself. I had just lost 5 pounds. I'm not joking in the least. Five pounds in 1/10th of a second. That has to be some sort of record. I go to close my door (to the hallway outside) and there's the little Indian man. He's looking at me like I just jumped off the coroners table and shook his hand. I apologized profusely but he just kept staring at me with these huge terrified eyes.

So, moving along with the story, I managed to get a few glasses of water into me to calm down and then I moved my car (no ticket!). My wife gets home around 6:00 and says to me, "Why did the carpet guy practically run away from me just now?". Had I not been so dehydrated I would have certainly peed myself. Which brings us to...

Step 3: THE Pill
This is just one pill. It's about the size of a small torpedo for a submarine. It's wrapped in foil with big letters on it "DO NOT SWALLOW". Oh... fuck.

My wife reads out the instructions and, the trooper that she is, asks if I need any help. Seriously, I'm now in love with her more than I ever have been. I can guarantee you I would NOT have been offering to help her. Maybe I'm just funny like that.

The package said I had to "sit tight" for an entire 15 minutes!!! I couldn't sit down. It was too uncomfortable. I managed to do a dance around the apartment until the clock struck the appropriate hour. Then it began.

I hadn't eaten anything in over a day. Hadn't drank in hours. Had the single biggest episode EVER, yet I've never needed a seat belt for my toilet more than I did right now. At least the worst part was over. Or so I thought...

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OK, well that pretty much sums up PART I. Stay tuned for PART II ("The Procedure") and PART III ("The Aftermath").

Explain Thyself!!

I've been watching that new (mini?) series "Revelations" lately. I really like it. Which is a bit strange considering I'm not the least bit devout when it comes to religion (baptised Anglican, now a dedicated scientifically skeptical agnostic). What does this have to do with anything? I completely forget.

Oh yeah, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife. Or something like that. I'm sure it's in the Bible anyway. I'm going to hell. I'm coveting like at least 6 or 7 of my "neighbour's" wives with this list. Sort of. In an indirect kind of Internet way. Of course, I'm not going to hell nearly as fast as AMG (I laughed too - but felt really really really really really bad about doing so).

On with The List stuff...

I will have to get a picture of my mute parrot Pequito for all of you to see. I discuss all things List with him. Good thing he hasn't learned to get on the Internet yet. Or type. Or even to stop shitting on my window sill. Stupid bird.

1. Heather is still on top (is anyone else just a tad unfomfortable with how that sounds?). God fearing hottie. Have to respect that.
2. Jennifer W.K. is hanging on to #2, but just barely. We'll see what that vodka party give us...
3. Kristi jumps up to #3 for reasons to be explained with #4.
4. AMG. First time ever out of the top 3. I had to knock her down simply because of all the guilt I felt over laughing at that picture she posted. The sooner she posts something else, the better.
5. Jessica Rabbit. Um... I just like her comments. No really, I do.
6. Carrie is now at #6. We still don't know if that's her actual eye. Mysterious.
7. Jo-Anne holds on to the #7 spot despite the fact that she fell off the face of the Earth (or never came back from Florida).
8. Real-Jo. Silence, as it turns out, is not golden. It's not even bronzin(?)...
9. NJ. Back where you belong. I'm sure you take no offence and are just happy to be mentioned. Please wash my car.

In no particular order, these people didn't make the cut (again), but are always on my mind. "You are always on my mind.... you are always on my mind" (and no, that wasn't the crappy Pet Shop Boys version - get your minds out of the gutter people).

• The Kraken
• NYPinTA
• Leah
• Shari
• Lindsey
• Penny
• Laurie
• Helen
• Sassy
• Bry
• Meggan

That's it for now, and ALWAYS remember... if you ever come across a Geekbird post or comment be sure to call him a nasty piece of butt fungus, or if you prefer you may have him smoke your ass hair.

I am now taking suggestions for insults to Geekbird. I currently happen to really like the two above but am open to new ideas (I originally had "tw** fungus" but was so offended by actually typing it I changed it to something else. You know you've gone too far when your own words make you want to shower).

Oh yeah, I have an anecdote coming later today. It's potty humour - quite literally - but 100% true. I hope you like it.