The joys of fatherhood...and golf.

This could easily be the greatest week of the year for me. Not just this year, but EVERY year. You see, this is the time of the year where I get to experience the "perfect storm" of joy. Three independant avenues of celebration and happiness all converging in a 7-day window creating a swirling dirvish of euphoria and bliss. I really should take this week off every year so that work doesn't drag me down. Not that it could, my job could be a hell of a lot worse and I could get paid a lot less to do it and besides, this week is far too amazing to have a mere job have any kind of negative effect.

Coming in from the South is a warm wave of sunshine and smiles in the form of Father's Day. For three years this has been a wonderful day for me and I fully expect that this year will not disappoint either. Being a father is the single most difficult job I've ever had. If you have kids you know what I'm talking about and if you don't just take my word for it. It's hard. At least it's hard if you're doing it properly. If it's not hard than you're either in the 0.000000001% of the population with a perfect child or you just not doing it right. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

As it turns out my daughter is related to Father's Day in more than one way. Yes, I have a daughter and therefore quailfy for the Father's Day bonus every year, but I'm in a relatively rare situation; Avery was born the Friday before Father's Day. So I got to celebrate that special occasion with a 2 day old baby. Not even, in fact. This picture was taken on Father's Day 2002. My daughter was not even 2 days old at this point.

I also got to bathe Avery for the first time on Father's Day, bring her home from the hospital, and show her to my father who came in from out of town (and not 2 weeks before leaving the country for a trip). This picture is my father on Father's Day after we just got home from the hospital with my 2 day old daughter:

Now, related to the front from the South and rolling in from the West is a sugar-high pressure, high intensity, whilrlwind of giggles and screams that is my daughter's birthday. As mentioned before, she was born two days before Father's Day 2002 on June 14th. This past weekend we took Avery and two of her gymnastics friends to the splash park for a picnic. It was a blast and as soon as I get my film developed I'll post pictures (the "normal" SLR camera takes better pictures so that's why I don't have any digital ones from that day). Tomorrow I'll get to celebrate her 3rd birthday with Jodi and we'll have a big cake and presents and stuff. Then this weekend (if not then, shortly thereafter) we'll get to celebrate her birthday again with my family and then Jodi's family (both out of town - in different towns).

Every year around this time there's always the Eastern flow of sports fanatics that converge on the USGA's course of choice to take in the thrill that is the U.S. Open of Golf. The second major championship of the season and one of the most exciting to watch. This golf tournament holds special significance to me not just for its prestige, or the fact that it's a major OPEN championship (that is to say, anyone can qualify and anyone can win - even me), but because on Avery's birth video when Jodi first started to go into labour at the hospital you can hear the U.S. Open on the TV in the background. Now, I turned it off for the birth portion of the evening but Saturday and Sunday were spent watching the U.S. Open on TV with my wife and baby daughter. Needless to say I was in complete heaven and every year since then this golf tournament has held a special place in my heart. It's Avery's tournament as much as it is Tiger Woods' or Ernie Els' or Vijay Singh's. After her showing at minigolf last night she just might be winning the damn thing some day.

Now that is it for this year, but every OTHER year there is one more thing; a cold snap that creeps down from the North that is the Stanley Cup Playoffs! Because of the stupid labour strife issues between the NHL and the Players Association there were no playoffs this year, but every year since 2002 and hopefully every year after this one will bring with it the greatest sports playoffs ever. 16 teams fighting over four rounds to win the greatest sporting trophy in the world. Growing up I would pretend to win the Stanley Cup over and over and over again. To just hold it above my head like Mr. Steve Yzerman here in 2002 would be the greatest thrill in the world for me.



In 2002, because of the Olympics, the NHL playoffs were delayed and they were handing out the Cup later than usual. In fact, I was watching the final game on Thursday June 13th and when it was all over and Detriot had paraded the Cup all around the ice I turned to my wife in bed and said, "OK, you can give birth now". Which was funny at the time because she was still 3 weeks away from her due date. The next morning at 5:15 my wife's water broke and she woke me up with, "Andrew.... Andrew..... We're going to have a baby". I was completely asleep and was only able to mutter, "I know". Jodi then says, "No, we're having one today. My water just broke". Well if I didn't jump out of bed like my ass was on fire and start backing the bags... The rest as they say, is history, but suffice it to say that if I wasn't already completely nuts for the hockey playoffs that I certainly am now.

Hockey playoffs, and more importantly the Stanley Cup being handed out signify the start of a wonderful period for me every year. One where the Three Fronts Of Happiness converge and turn my world into one of hope, renewal, amazement and love. Yup, it is indeed a wonderful time of year, and I'm leaving work early.

Questions Abound

Does anyone else have this deep rooted fear of their cell phone falling into the toilet when they go to the bathroom?

When you dial a number and you get that message saying, "This is a long distance call. Please dial "1" before the number and try your call again. This is a recording", if it knows that you needed to dial "1", why doesn't it just add the "1" and connect you?

How come no matter what I put in the microwave at work when I press "Auto Reheat" it sets itself to three minutes?

Why do my computer clock and phone clock read different times? Furthermore, my VCR is set off of my television, so why are those times different too?

Why do cops ask if I know how fast I was going? If they're pulling me over, it's a pretty good guess that it was not under the speed limit.

Why do some people insist on talking to me when I go to great lenghts to let them know I'd rather be doing anything else?

Why do they do construction during rush hour?

Are seagulls *really* on the endangered species list?

How do you explain that little water tornado that forms when the water drains out of the tub to a 3 year old? "It's a vortex sweetie. Like a tornado but in water. What's a tornado? What's a vortex? Well when the water goes down the drain the molecules... What's a molecule? Oh look, the water's gone, let's get you dried off..."

Playgrounds and other heart attack sites

Before we start, Avery had another good one last night. She was lying in bed with her head on my chest and I was starting to read a book and she says, "You didn't lick your finger!". It made absolutely no sense to me so I just carried on reading the book. When I finished she picked up another book and wanted to "read" it to me. She looks up at me and says, "See? You lick your finger first, THEN you turn the page and read the book!". She licked her right index finger opened the book and then turned the page with her left hand. Priceless...

Anyway, is it me or is going to the playground the absolute easiest hour of parenting in the history of parenting? You stand there while your kid runs around and goes on slides and plays in the sand. Perfect. I don't have to do any exercise and I get to watch them have a blast while I sip on a soda. It's not all fun and games though -- oh no -- don't let your senses be distracted by all the colourful ladders and twisting slides and intricate monkey bars.

Playgrounds are where the hearts of parents go to skip a beat, and eventually stop all together, leaving the child to run for the nearest pay phone to call 9-1-1 as their mommy or daddy lies twitching in the sand next to a sand shovel and some 2 year old who's now screaming hysterically because you fell on his castle.

Yes indeed, playgrounds are sadistic inventions brought to you by the makers of pace makers, glycerin and other heart medication.

Exhibit A: The ladder



Hazzards:

• Falling backwards and breaking your neck
• Falling forwards and smashing your teeth (I've done that)
• The dreaded "split" (worse for boys - I've done that too)

Exhibit B: The funny looking climbing thing

Hazzards:

• Falling backwards and breaking your neck
• Falling forwards and breaking your nose
• The dreaded "split" (variation)

Exhibit C: The monkey bar(s)



Hazzards:

• Falling down and breaking your neck
• Losing a shoe
  

Exhibit D: The slides



Hazzards:

• Falling down and breaking your neck
• Falling of the end and breaking your leg
• Going head first and smashing your teeth
• Ramming into someone at the bottom
• Getting rammed at the bottom by someone
• Slipping while running up and breaking your nose

Finally, the single most terrifying element of the evil playground - and coincidently the most loved part of the outing for my daughter...

Exhibit E: The SIDEWAYS ladder



Hazzards:

• Falling forwards and breaking your neck
• Falling backwards and breaking your neck
• The dreaded "split"
• The fall on to the lower bar and smashing your teeth
• The fall with the arm/leg getting stuck and breaking said arm/leg
• Landing on someone when you fall
• Having someone fall and land on you

I'm telling you, if watching your kid do the sideways ladder doesn't give you heart palpitations I don't know what will. Now, if you'll excuse me I have to go buy one of those portable defibrillators, Avery wants to go to the park again tonight.

Ch ch ch chan-ges

Well you may have noticed that there's no more list. I am sad to say that Pequito (my mute parrot) has run away with that slut budgie from across the street. Until such time as I can get into Pequito's file cabinet (those darn keys are so small - very hard to pick the lock) we'll have to find something else to do. Not sure how this will affect blog traffic, but I'm not sure I care either. I know I've got a few blogger friends out there that will come back regardless of their status on The List.

In keeping with my recent theme of showing off my daughter Avery here's a couple more treasures:

We went to see Madagascar yesterday afternoon since Avery and Jodi were well enough to leave the house for a couple hours. Avery really wanted a taco for dinner and the theatre happened to have a Taco Cat Bell so it seemed like a good thing to do. Without spoiling the movie let's just say that at one point the lion goes into a makeshift cave to sulk. Avery looked up and Jodi and I and said, "Lion is going for a time out". You see, the lion was misbehaving and couldn't control himself so he had to go sit by himself to calm down. Of course! Now if only we could get Avery to actually implement those rules for herself...

We have had Avery in swim lessons since she was 3 months old so she's no stranger the pool. She's also no stranger to nudity - she is my daughter after all. So one day we're in the changeroom at the pool and it's one of those family change rooms, so there's moms with sons and dads with daughters and a bunch of stalls to change in. So I'm getting changed and Avery points to my thing and says, "What's that?". I ignored her. So she says again with more force now, "What's THAT?". So I lean in close and whisper, "That's daddy's penis". What happened next? You guessed it. She yelled at the top of her lungs, "DADDY HAS A PENIS. I NO HAVE PEANUTS, I HAVE A BUHGINA. DADDY HAS A PENIS!". Well needless to say all the moms in the other stalls were laughing their asses off. Thank God Avery hasn't yet learned about "shrinkage".

Having a Daughter...Priceless

So my kid is smart. Not genius or anything, but really smart. I heard about this kid who was three and could count by threes (3, 6, 9, 12, ....) - now that's just crazy! No, my kid will be 3 on June 14th and can't count by threes, but she is pretty damn smart.

On the way home from the doctor today (she has an ear infection) we turned out of the parking lot and she says to me, "Daddy, what street is this?". I say, "It's March Road". "March?", she says, "Where does your birthday live"?

You see, my birthday is in March. Jodi's is in August and Avery's is in June. If you ask avery how old she is, she will hold up two fingers (pinky and index - sign of the devil style) and say, "I'm two! I'll be three in June (holds up 3 fingers - index, middle, ring). Daddy is in March and mommy is in August".

So, when I told her that we were on March Road, the first thing she thought was, "Hey, this is March road. Daddy's birthday is in March. Daddy's birthday must live here!". Genius? You tell me. I just thought it was pretty damn hilarious. It only took me 5 minutes to figure out what the hell she was talking about!

Skip ahead to a few minutes ago. Avery is in the tub and she leans over sideways and puts her hair in the water. She looks up at me and says, "My hair needs water so it will grow, just like the flowers. See? It's growing"!

At any rate, I'm completely impressed at this point. Of course she's our only child so I have absolutely no reference point, but I'm pretty certain she's already smarter than me.

You can see tons more of Avery HERE.